Long time - no post

I am not really sure where to start, it has been so long since I posted anything! This has been partly due to the circumstances here with the care-giving of my Mom during her last months. It isn't that I haven't had an abundance of time on my hands - because I have. It isn't because I haven't had an abundance of things that I have wanted to say - because I have. I guess it has been because I have spent the past few months watching and doing my best to help my Mom let go of this life and get ready for her next adventure, and it has not been a lot of fun.

When I started this blog I imagined lots of amusing little tales about life in general, but more specifically about those things we all experience at one time or another. And believe me when I tell you that there is very little that is amusing about the end of life process. So I have been hesitant to write about it. And it is not for lack of trying - I have started several blogs about my experiences here - but I just haven't been able to bring myself to posting any of it. I guess maybe that was because I didn't know how this chapter of my life would end. And now I do.

I gave birth to my two boys at home naturally - no drugs, no intervention, no internal fetal heart monitors - in my own bed with my loved ones surrounding me. That is the way I chose to do it. So I wanted to give my Mom the opportunity to have that kind of control over the end of her life. Although I must say, in hindsight that there is very little one actually controls about the end of life. So it becomes the responsibility of the care-giver to try to honor the wishes of the dying person as best they can. And it is not an easy task. I have done things in the last few months that I never thought I would have to do. The parent became the child, and the child became the parent. I have often thought about the parallels between the beginning of life and the end.

I think the end starts with loosing the ability to drive. When most Americans turn 16, they get their drivers license and with it comes all kinds of freedoms. When they age, eventually they loose the ability to drive safely, and with their license goes a lot of their freedoms. As ones health fails, they then loose their personal mobility, the ability to get up and go where they want, when they want. This is followed by loosing the ability to care for themselves, so they need help feeding themselves, going to the bathroom, showering, standing, sitting, and so on. The parent becomes the child and the child becomes the parent.

Let me say that my Mom went peacefully, in her sleep, and that I think her final days were as good as could be expected considering the amounts of drugs that were necessary to keep her from being in pain. She was in a space that I had created for her, where she could watch the humming birds and the sun rise and set on her beloved Catalina Mountains. I am grateful for that. We had a lovely little service for her at Southside, which I think she would have liked, followed by an ice cream sundae bar - which I know for sure she would have liked. She went to be with my Dad so I know she is happy now, no longer in pain and ready for the next adventure.

Which leaves me here, in Tucson, wrapping up all the lose ends, and facing an unknown future, once again. Many people have thanked me for what I have done these past few months. And while it may appear that I am some kind of good Samaritan or something, I have told them bluntly, "Do not kid yourself, I have done this in the hopes that when my time comes, someone will look after me. Karma." She would have liked that.