Finding my way

Two weeks ago today I moved in to my new apartment in Lawrence Kansas. I have been so busy that it seems more like a month ago. Larry and Nick left on Monday after they made sure that the pictures were hung, drapes were up and that I know how to make all the electronics work. It's not that I am that slow, but they know that if I don't use something electronic, I will probably call them and have to ask "which button makes the DVD player work?" or "How do I switch to the Wii?". So they sat me down on the sofa and put me through my paces... "So Mom, say you are watching TV and then you think, I want to watch a DVD... which button are you going to push?" Thank goodness they came with me, and were patient enough to help me get everything where I want it!

I went with Larry to the Avis shop here in town and he rented as big a car as he could get because we had agreed that the desk I brought from home was just a bit too big for comfort in this little apartment. He and Nick took it apart and somehow got it into the back of the car, loaded up their belongings and drove home - all in one day. It was a very long drive, but they were trying to get across the country between snow storms.

I am getting settled in to my new job at the Writing Center. I had some computer issues (like you do) but I think those are pretty well sorted out at this point. The user name and passwords for the system at KU is pretty ridiculous however. When I described it to Nick he said something like, "Someone has delusions of grandeur. Who do they think they are, the Pentagon?" I find I waste a lot of time every day entering my user name and password over and over, every time I want to look at something different within the system.

I have been trying to get to know all of the current tutors - or, consultants as they call them here. I made 26 appointments, and I either sit down and just get to know them, or I have them tutor something I have written. I want to know each of them, not only as people, but also get to know their tutoring style. So far I am very impressed with the tutors I have gotten to know - both as just plain nice people, but also in their love for tutoring and their goals for their own educations. While just like a lot of other writing centers, many of the consultants are English majors, there are others with very diverse interests. (Linguistics, Film, etc.)

I am also on the books as co-instructor for Eng 400 - their 'tutor training' class. We met the class for the first time this past Tuesday, and next Tuesday I am teaching the class by myself, since my Director, Terese will be lecturing at Stanford. There are 26 students in the class, so I am looking forward to creating a lively group. And, I am looking forward to teaching my first class of native English speakers!

I love the fact that I am less than 3 miles from work, that it is easy to get to fun restaurants, shopping and services I may need. I am not so thrilled with having to walk up a very steep hill from the parking lot with snowy and icy sidewalks, but I am sure I will get used to that. Parking, like on many college campuses, is nightmarish... but I will adjust. I am also not thrilled about having my car parked out in front of my apartment where it gets cold at night and needs to be cleared of snow, ice and frost before I can leave for work. But again, I will adjust.

So far I am doing okay, finding my way around, getting to know people and my surroundings. I am not completely in create mode yet - I feel more like I am catching up. But it will come. I think it is going to be trickier to get the consultants to treat me as their peer than it was at UM Flint - because I am their boss, not a student sitting next to them in class... but that, too will come. I attended a "Professional Development" day at the Union on Wednesday. The Provost and others gave talks and we went to various sessions that caught our interest. I am excited about being a part of a 'writer's guild' where we will meet occasionally to support each other in our personal writing endeavors... but the highlight of the day, for me, was during the session on using social networking media for our jobs. During the presentation there was a slide which had a quote on it. It was the only quote, and it was from UM Flint!

Moving... again.

I hate moving. I don't mind the 'change' aspect of moving, it is all the decisions one has to make which are based upon sketchy information. For example, I knew there is a kitchen with a dishwasher, disposal, stove, fridge, etc... but I had no idea if there would be space on the counters or in the cupboards for my big kitchen maid mixer, nor if I would ever have need of it in the little apartment in Kansas. I think it is the guessing part that makes me the most uncomfortable with moving. Since I have done this (move to a fairly unknown place) many times, I planned, somewhat, for the possibilities. I am a list-maker and a planner. I am not particularly fond of big surprises, so I try to cover a myriad of possibilities. Some times this works out well, and other times it is just a crap shoot.

Fortunately, this time, it has all gone pretty well. Wednesday night we picked up the u-haul truck and Nick and his buddy loaded it all up. I apparently planned exactly the right amount of 'stuff' to completely fill not only the 10' truck, but also the trunk of the car! Thursday we drove to Anderson, Indiana (where we had lived for some 10 years) and spent a lovely evening with friends there. Other than a dense snow squall during the last hour of the drive out of Michigan everything went just fine. Friday, however, was a very long drive of about 10 hours to get to Lawrence Kansas. Saturday morning I got us breakfast at Mickey D's and we headed over to the new apartment. There was no one parked in front of my new place, so we backed the truck right up to the walk and Larry and Nick began to unload while I took pictures of the 'problem' areas inside. Nothing major, just nicks, dirt, chips and the like.

The apartment has a nice living space with a vaulted ceiling from which there is a fan and light fixture, and a fireplace at one end. The washer/dryer combo is in the closet which also houses the furnace and water heater. The kitchen is small but very workable with a fridge that is only a skosh bigger than the one I had in Istanbul. The bedroom is decent sized with a walk-in closet and the bathroom is what one can expect in an apartment. While I am here by myself this will be just fine, but it is a little crowded for three of us! My new boss, the lovely Terese, bought us lunch on move-in day, sending over three delicious pizzas! This delivery was followed by the arrival of two cable guys to get me all wired and hooked up and then one of the veteran tutors came to help unload the heavier furniture. Of course in this small space, the boys couldn't unload anything with the cable guys in the way, so we chatted and I unloaded boxes in the kitchen while we waited for them to finish up. It probably took all of 30 minutes to completely unload the truck.

Next on my priority list was to purchase as many of the necessities as possible before I went to sleep, so that meant a trip to Bed, Bath and Beyond and Target. These kinds of stores are probably a whole three miles from the apartment. (I love small towns!) After picking up some of the more important items, (silverware, glasses, a coffee pot and some food) we stopped at Applebee's for some supper and went back to pass out. Sunday was filled with more unpacking, returning the u-haul and purchases. Top on my list was bookshelves so I can unload the boxes of books. The good news.... there is a World Market which has lovely bookcases - on sale! The bad news.... we probably should have waited to return the u-haul until after I had bought them! But, with the long box hanging way out the back of the trunk, and the smaller box in the back seat and Nick laying across it we managed to get them home!

We went for a little tour of the campus, so Larry and Nick could see where I would be spending most of my time. It is as lovely as I remembered. There is a shopping center with a very large grocery store and a brew house/restaurant just down the street. We ate at the brew house and then stopped at the grocery store for TP and kleenex. Terese called while we were there - she was at the apartment with baked goods for us! She left them by the door for us - yummy muffins! By the time we got home I was exhausted, and fell asleep on the sofa at about 8:00. I moved to the bed at about 10:30 and slept like the dead until my usual wake-up time, 5:30am. So today I will finish as much of the unpacking as I can, send the boys to Home Depot for the little hardware supplies we need, hopefully get to see Terese, and go downtown to explore. For all that I hate moving, now that the hard part has passed, I am excited to learn about my new home, the community, the campus, my colleagues and students and settle in to the next chapter of my life.

Auf Wiedersehen

I woke up at 5:30 this morning, like I do most mornings. But today is different, today is a special day. Today begins the next chapter of my life, I will say auf wiedersehen to my home of 15 years and start my journey to Kansas. I am a jumble of emotion this morning as I drink my first cuppa joe. If I sit still and look around me, I have to fight away the tears. I didn't know it would be this hard... Yesterday we went and picked up a little u-haul truck. (Which, by the way, was outrageously expensive - almost $900.00 to take it just over 900 miles!)Then Nick and one of his friends loaded it up - it is very full!

There are a few odds and ends about the house I will try to cram in here and there; a lamp or two, these pictures and maybe that vase... but it is really difficult for me to choose which parts of the home I worked so long and hard to create, to destroy - not that I am actually destroying anything - it is just that when you find the perfect place for something, it is hard to take it away. Parts of the house now look incomplete to me.

On the other hand, today we will drive down to Anderson, Indiana where we lived for ten years before we moved to Michigan. I cried when we left there, and I survived the experience. When we left Indiana I left a wonderful circle of friends and a house that I loved. And while I cannot go back to that house, tonight I will, once again, spend the evening with some of those friends. It will be fun to see how the town has changed since we last visited there - about ten years ago - and great to see our friends!

And then tomorrow we will head west and arrive in Lawrence. I feel an odd sense of calm about this part. It is difficult to properly express how this move feels; exciting and yet at the same time serene - it just feels right. I know that I am going to have a pretty tough learning curve for a while... as I get to know my new colleagues, the campus, the town, and settle in to my new tiny apartment. But I have certainty that I will be more than fine there, I am needed and will flourish and grow like the sunflowers in Kansas.

I just have to get through this first part... the leaving part, and then it will all be okay. I keep reminding myself what my Dad would say, "you live in the world, but you can't control it" and repeating my usual mantra, "its not just life, it's an adventure - don't forget to pack the sense of humor". I will have a box of tissues handy in the car as I say "auf wiedersehen" to Michigan, because I am pretty sure I will need it! I will see you again...

1-1-11

New Years day once again... and that means that I have been doing a bit of reflecting on the past year, and thinking about the next one. I took a look back at my resolution post from last year and saw the irony in that decision. It appears as though my first thought last year - which was to persevere - is the one that stuck. I made it through 2010, and that was about it. With all the overwhelming sorrows of 2010 behind me I have decided it will remain at the top of my list for the worst year ever. So then I had to look toward this new year and all its new opportunities.

In the next few weeks I will be moving from Michigan to Kansas. I will be leaving behind the comfort in familiarity, my home of 15 years, my network of wonderful friends and, last but most important, my family. There is an element of sadness connected to leaving which threatens to overshadow my excitement with the changes I am facing. I poured my heart into creating the home where my children both came of age, to make it a warm and welcoming place where everyone would feel welcome and safe. So many wonderful memories - birthdays, snow days, holidays, friends, laughter, dancing, music, and tons of food! So it is bittersweet to be leaving - and I seem to come easily to tears.

On the other hand, I am so excited to have the opportunity to move to this wonderful little town and work at a job that I know I will love. I accepted and signed the job offer on the 30th, so it is all official and I will be the Assistant Director of the Writing Center at the University of Kansas beginning on January 19th, 2011. In some ways it feels like all the other things I have done in the past have been in preparation for this new career. Really, this is my third or fourth career, but the one I plan to do for the rest of my working life. I am excited and at the same time, overwhelmed. I have to find a place to live, pack up whatever I am taking with me, go to Lawrence, move in, unpack and then start.

So I have been thinking about the "one word resolution" for this year. The first thought that popped into my mind was 'change'. But change is inevitable, no matter what we think, so I tossed that word aside. I have decided upon 'create' for my word for 2011. This year I will create a new life in many ways: a new home, a new job, a new network of friends, a new community, new relationships, and new goals. I will have to find a new grocery store, new doctor and dentist, maybe a new choir, and definitely a new routine for my life. I am excited about the changes and optimistic that I can 'create' this new chapter in my life in ways that will bring back my sense of adventure and joy. Happy New Year - and Welcome 2011! I will create this year, may you flourish and prosper in 2011!

Good-bye 2010

While the Busch De Noel is baking I thought I would pass along a few thoughts which have been running through my mind all day today as I have been putting the finishing touches on our Christmas celebration. 2010 was pretty much a terrible year for me and my family. I won't rehash all the dark days here, but instead I am remembering all those who were kind to me this year and I find myself feeling optimistic tonight, for the first time in many months. I went to Kansas in early December and interviewed for a job at the University in Lawrence. It was a wonderful experience, I felt right at home because the people there were wonderful and I fell in love with the town. Last week they called to offer me the job and I, of course, accepted. The trick is that I need to be there in mid-January, which has been a bit distracting from the holiday, I have to admit! But I am honestly thrilled to be going there and looking forward to being the Assistant Director of their Writing Center. I am excited to get to know my co-workers, the tutors and the students, the town, nearby Kansas City, and other things which I have yet to imagine. It is truly a new beginning, and a much needed one. So tonight, on Christmas Eve, with most of my family around me, my wish for all the good people of earth is for them to have a wonderful new beginning in 2011. Peace on Earth, and may all my friends flourish and prosper in the New Year.

One Door Closes...

I have had a whirl-wind couple of weeks. My Mom passed away very early on a Tuesday morning. Wednesday I had a telephone interview. Thursday morning I flew to San Jose for another job interview. Friday I flew back to Arizona and was joined by my husband, my son and my younger brother. Saturday was the memorial service. Monday was my youngest's 21st birthday. The boys left on Wednesday. and 10 days later, with the car packed to the brim, I headed for home - with a stop for a flurry of interviews in Nebraska on my way home. I made it, but it was the journey itself that I want to write about today.

I realize now that I felt very trapped by the situation in Tucson. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that my Mom would hang on for 8 months after my Dad passed. I remember saying at the time, "I'll just rent a house for a couple of months", feeling sure that she wouldn't stay with us even that long. Even though we had a spectacular view of the mountains, and wildlife abounded in our back yard, I felt trapped. Life was out there - beyond my reach. I was in wait-mode, and I hate waiting. It is such an effect point in life. The only thing I could cause, was to keep Mom comfortable and somewhat entertained. I had begun to feel like I would never get my participation in life back. A sort of numbness enshrouded me as I waited, unwilling and perhaps unable to feel anything.

As I started out on my cross-country drive I wondered, "I should be excited... why don't I feel that flutter of excitement in the adventure of this?" I tried to create it, but - nothing. Equipped with a route print-out from google maps, and the Garmin that Danny had lent me, I climbed onto the freeway and started out with the same kind of numbness surrounding me. The first day I crossed Arizona and drove into New Mexico, stopping in the tiny town of Hatch to pick up some of their famous peppers to bring home. The Rio Grand runs through Hatch, but it was a pitiful excuse for a river - more like a stream - cloaked in small trees and fields where they grow all kinds of peppers. I stopped at one of the many road-side stands where three women were stringing peppers with deft fingers into all kinds of beautiful arrangements. I bought a variety of traditional strings from the young Hispanic man, loaded them into my back seat, atop the blanket covering the load of artwork from my Mom's, and got back on the highway.

Still, no excitement. After stopping in Santa Fe the first night, I made it all the way to Goodland Kansas the second day. Only once that day did I feel anything - and that was somewhere in Colorado when off in the distance I saw a couple of towering mountains, and my heart lept for just a moment. It was harvest time and there was a steady stream of trucks on the road outside my hotel, dumping their loads into mountains of golden corn to be shipped to God knows where at the nearby train depot.

I then stopped in Kearney Nebraska for a few days which were laden with interviews, presentations and tours. Everyone there was nice. They were beyond nice, they were kind, and funny, and smart, and lovely people. The job itself sounded like a challenge, but I felt that it would be a lot of fun. Of course, they were bringing two other candidates to the campus to interview, so there was no point in getting my hopes up, but I felt very comfortable there. Comfortable, but still nothing beyond that.

I set out on Saturday morning for the toughest part of the drive, across Nebraska and Iowa. Long and flat and straight for most of Nebraska, I wasn't sure the car needed me to do anything except navigate around all the trucks. I was listening to a book on CD, and if it weren't for the story, I am pretty sure I would have fallen asleep! Then somewhere in Western Iowa the ground began rolling, and as I came up over a hill, flanking both sides of the freeway, there were dozens of huge wind turbines. Again I felt my heart start to race as I tried to keep the car in my lane and see both sides of the road at the same time. They rose like giant trees, whose leaves were blowing in unison on either side of me. They were graceful and lovely. But as soon as they receded in my rear view mirrors, the numbness settled around me again.

After spending the night in a hotel along the Mississippi River, I began my final leg of the journey. It was raining. I crossed Illinois and drove out of the storm. With partly cloudy skies I skirted Chicago and then along the lake shore of Indiana. And then I saw it. A big blue sign hung across the road far ahead of me, "Welcome to Michigan" I knew it said, and I started to cry. Tears were pouring down my cheeks as I drove beneath it, and I realized that I had really thought I would never get home. The sun was shining brightly as I passed beautiful multi-colored forests, and crossed rivers that had actual water flowing in them. There was an urgency in my heart as I thought, "I am almost there!" Most of the state passed my windows in a kind of blur, as I saw familiar signs for familiar places and my heart sped up once again. It was all I could do to keep my vision clear enough to drive as I neared home, fighting the tears that kept threatening to flood my view. As I turned the corner onto my very own street, I couldn't hold them back any longer, and by the time I pulled into my driveway, I was sobbing. I had made it. I was finally home, and life could start again.

Long time - no post

I am not really sure where to start, it has been so long since I posted anything! This has been partly due to the circumstances here with the care-giving of my Mom during her last months. It isn't that I haven't had an abundance of time on my hands - because I have. It isn't because I haven't had an abundance of things that I have wanted to say - because I have. I guess it has been because I have spent the past few months watching and doing my best to help my Mom let go of this life and get ready for her next adventure, and it has not been a lot of fun.

When I started this blog I imagined lots of amusing little tales about life in general, but more specifically about those things we all experience at one time or another. And believe me when I tell you that there is very little that is amusing about the end of life process. So I have been hesitant to write about it. And it is not for lack of trying - I have started several blogs about my experiences here - but I just haven't been able to bring myself to posting any of it. I guess maybe that was because I didn't know how this chapter of my life would end. And now I do.

I gave birth to my two boys at home naturally - no drugs, no intervention, no internal fetal heart monitors - in my own bed with my loved ones surrounding me. That is the way I chose to do it. So I wanted to give my Mom the opportunity to have that kind of control over the end of her life. Although I must say, in hindsight that there is very little one actually controls about the end of life. So it becomes the responsibility of the care-giver to try to honor the wishes of the dying person as best they can. And it is not an easy task. I have done things in the last few months that I never thought I would have to do. The parent became the child, and the child became the parent. I have often thought about the parallels between the beginning of life and the end.

I think the end starts with loosing the ability to drive. When most Americans turn 16, they get their drivers license and with it comes all kinds of freedoms. When they age, eventually they loose the ability to drive safely, and with their license goes a lot of their freedoms. As ones health fails, they then loose their personal mobility, the ability to get up and go where they want, when they want. This is followed by loosing the ability to care for themselves, so they need help feeding themselves, going to the bathroom, showering, standing, sitting, and so on. The parent becomes the child and the child becomes the parent.

Let me say that my Mom went peacefully, in her sleep, and that I think her final days were as good as could be expected considering the amounts of drugs that were necessary to keep her from being in pain. She was in a space that I had created for her, where she could watch the humming birds and the sun rise and set on her beloved Catalina Mountains. I am grateful for that. We had a lovely little service for her at Southside, which I think she would have liked, followed by an ice cream sundae bar - which I know for sure she would have liked. She went to be with my Dad so I know she is happy now, no longer in pain and ready for the next adventure.

Which leaves me here, in Tucson, wrapping up all the lose ends, and facing an unknown future, once again. Many people have thanked me for what I have done these past few months. And while it may appear that I am some kind of good Samaritan or something, I have told them bluntly, "Do not kid yourself, I have done this in the hopes that when my time comes, someone will look after me. Karma." She would have liked that.