Fat Tuesday

I woke up feeling very strange this morning. The first thought to pass through my semi-conscious mind was that today marks one year since my Dad passed away, and I felt sad. I remembered my sister in-law calling me on the phone, waking up on the sofa in my parents apartment in Tucson and hearing her grief stricken voice telling me that Dad had passed peacefully. Then I thought about going in to wake my Mom, laying down on the bed beside her cancer stricken body and telling her that her husband of 65 years had passed away. "I guess we should get up" she said to me. Then I thought, I can't let the sadness swallow me whole... I get to go to work today, I have to find a way to find some joy....

And then I remembered it is Fat Tuesday. I thought about the Flint tradition of paczkis. I never even heard of these until I moved to the Flint area where on every Fat Tuesday, thousand of these giant jelly doughnuts are purchased and consumed. I don't really know where this tradition came from, but my guess is that the Polish immigrants who came to work int he automotive industry brought them to Michigan. I wondered, briefly, if they have them in Kansas, but I doubt it.

And then I thought about the most fun I ever had on a Tuesday... it was at the Fasching parade in Cologne, Germany. (Koln for the purists.) The whole area has a huge party, thousands of people in costumes - whole families of cowboys, Indians or clowns - gather along the streets to watch the fun. Each little town has a section of the parade - which lasts for hours and hours. The village participants dress in matching costumes, bring their town band and huge ancient wagons filled with the town's favorites who toss flowers to the ladies lining the street and candy to everyone. Every town has its own candy which is wrapped for the event in papers which tout the town's name. I had been told about this so Larry, Nick and I went prepared to grab as much candy as we could. I was thinking probably little squares or maybe 'fun-size' bars of chocolate... which there were... I had not been expecting them to throw 3 pound boxes of chocolates at us! It was the most amazing parade I had ever seen - and I have seen a lot of parades! After about four hours, we were exhausted and ducked into a nearby cafe to sit and watch the rest of the parade go by while we had soup and something to drink.

Now I realize that this parade was not as spectacular or glitzy as those in New Orleans or Rio, but it was the most fun I had ever had on a Tuesday. I have decided that I am going to focus on the Fasching parade today whenever I feel sad.

Struggling to focus

I hate it when I can't focus. When I suddenly forget what I was going to do and get distracted by something that I can't do anything about. It has been happening a lot lately. And I am pretty sure that it has a lot to do with the grieving process, and moving through it. A year ago last week my Dad was stricken and hospitalized, and I left Michigan to go to Arizona to help. It never occurred to me that the events would transpire as they did. I never thought I would loose my Dad first... and so suddenly.

Grief is a strange thing. I will be doing something totally normal, driving to school, or waiting in line for lunch, or washing the dishes... when suddenly, a simple thought passes through my mind - a flash of something my Dad said or did, or a look he gave me. There is a constriction in my chest, grief washes over me and tears spring, unwanted, to my eyes. My face gets hot and I can't breathe, for just an instant. Then I take a deep breath, and recognize the grief and it passes. This is followed by fear. I am afraid the grief will come, and I wont be able to stop the tears from rolling down my face - when I am in some very public place and people will stop, and stare at me in askance. I am afraid I will pull others into my grief.

It is hard to continually "out-create" these feelings. And I have to. I have to stay busy, and keep myself occupied all the time. And that is hard to do in this little apartment in Kansas. If I were home, there would be plenty of distractions and plenty to keep me busy - except I wouldn't have work that I love. So I dig in to the work with gusto, and that keeps me going during the day. During the week I come home and am tired, so it is easy to keep the grief at bay. But on the weekends... I am still in the transition stage here. I don't have a circle of friends to socialize with on the weekends... yet. I haven't 'created' my life here in the ways that will keep me happy... yet. I am still struggling with keeping myself busy on the weekends - keeping the grief at bay. I know this is all part of the "grieving process", but I hate it. And the worst part is that I know with complete certainty, that it is up to me to create myself out of this. Starting with dinner tonight. I think I'll make Salisbury steak, mashed potatoes and green beans.

Apartment living

Since I have lived in houses that I purchased for well over 20 years, there are pros and cons to living in an apartment that I had forgotten about. Here is the short list I have discovered so far:
Cons: 1. My washer is TINY. I can wash two pairs of jeans at one time, only one sheet at a time, or just my socks and underwear for the week!
2. I don't want to turn the music on at 5:30 in the morning when I get up because I am afraid I will disturb my neighbors.(Not that I would have turned it on at home at that hour either, for similar reasons.) 3. I hear all the car doors closing when my neighbors or their visitors arrive - all of them.
4. There is very little storage space for things like boxes that I want to keep.
5. I have to scrape the ice and snow off my car before I can leave every morning because I don't have a garage.
Pros: 1. I don't have to remember to take the trash cans down to the curb on the appointed day. I just put my trash in the dumpster - I don't even know when it gets emptied.
2. If the pilot light on my furnace goes out, I just call the nice young man in the office and he comes to light it for me.
3. Someone else has to shovel the walk, drive and parking lot.
4. There is very little storage space, so I really can't keep things like boxes.
5. If the furnace goes out, the well runs dry, the roof leaks, the garage door breaks, or any other major calamity occurs, I won't have to shell out the five thousand bucks to get it repaired.
6. It took me all of 45 minutes yesterday to clean the whole house. Dusting, cleaning, vacuuming, mopping - everything - all done in 45 minutes!
A few other pros about my new home:
1. It is 3 miles to work.
2. It is three miles to Target.
3. I couldn't iron anything if I wanted to because I don't have an iron.
4. I can pretty much do anything I want on my time off from work - eg. I can eat what I want when I want, watch what I want, do what I want. Yesterday, after cleaning my house and doing 6 loads of laundry I watched girlie movies, followed by Star Trek and then I had popcorn and yogurt for supper. :)
The cons... should be obvious to anyone who knows me... I miss my friends and family.

Finding my way

Two weeks ago today I moved in to my new apartment in Lawrence Kansas. I have been so busy that it seems more like a month ago. Larry and Nick left on Monday after they made sure that the pictures were hung, drapes were up and that I know how to make all the electronics work. It's not that I am that slow, but they know that if I don't use something electronic, I will probably call them and have to ask "which button makes the DVD player work?" or "How do I switch to the Wii?". So they sat me down on the sofa and put me through my paces... "So Mom, say you are watching TV and then you think, I want to watch a DVD... which button are you going to push?" Thank goodness they came with me, and were patient enough to help me get everything where I want it!

I went with Larry to the Avis shop here in town and he rented as big a car as he could get because we had agreed that the desk I brought from home was just a bit too big for comfort in this little apartment. He and Nick took it apart and somehow got it into the back of the car, loaded up their belongings and drove home - all in one day. It was a very long drive, but they were trying to get across the country between snow storms.

I am getting settled in to my new job at the Writing Center. I had some computer issues (like you do) but I think those are pretty well sorted out at this point. The user name and passwords for the system at KU is pretty ridiculous however. When I described it to Nick he said something like, "Someone has delusions of grandeur. Who do they think they are, the Pentagon?" I find I waste a lot of time every day entering my user name and password over and over, every time I want to look at something different within the system.

I have been trying to get to know all of the current tutors - or, consultants as they call them here. I made 26 appointments, and I either sit down and just get to know them, or I have them tutor something I have written. I want to know each of them, not only as people, but also get to know their tutoring style. So far I am very impressed with the tutors I have gotten to know - both as just plain nice people, but also in their love for tutoring and their goals for their own educations. While just like a lot of other writing centers, many of the consultants are English majors, there are others with very diverse interests. (Linguistics, Film, etc.)

I am also on the books as co-instructor for Eng 400 - their 'tutor training' class. We met the class for the first time this past Tuesday, and next Tuesday I am teaching the class by myself, since my Director, Terese will be lecturing at Stanford. There are 26 students in the class, so I am looking forward to creating a lively group. And, I am looking forward to teaching my first class of native English speakers!

I love the fact that I am less than 3 miles from work, that it is easy to get to fun restaurants, shopping and services I may need. I am not so thrilled with having to walk up a very steep hill from the parking lot with snowy and icy sidewalks, but I am sure I will get used to that. Parking, like on many college campuses, is nightmarish... but I will adjust. I am also not thrilled about having my car parked out in front of my apartment where it gets cold at night and needs to be cleared of snow, ice and frost before I can leave for work. But again, I will adjust.

So far I am doing okay, finding my way around, getting to know people and my surroundings. I am not completely in create mode yet - I feel more like I am catching up. But it will come. I think it is going to be trickier to get the consultants to treat me as their peer than it was at UM Flint - because I am their boss, not a student sitting next to them in class... but that, too will come. I attended a "Professional Development" day at the Union on Wednesday. The Provost and others gave talks and we went to various sessions that caught our interest. I am excited about being a part of a 'writer's guild' where we will meet occasionally to support each other in our personal writing endeavors... but the highlight of the day, for me, was during the session on using social networking media for our jobs. During the presentation there was a slide which had a quote on it. It was the only quote, and it was from UM Flint!

Moving... again.

I hate moving. I don't mind the 'change' aspect of moving, it is all the decisions one has to make which are based upon sketchy information. For example, I knew there is a kitchen with a dishwasher, disposal, stove, fridge, etc... but I had no idea if there would be space on the counters or in the cupboards for my big kitchen maid mixer, nor if I would ever have need of it in the little apartment in Kansas. I think it is the guessing part that makes me the most uncomfortable with moving. Since I have done this (move to a fairly unknown place) many times, I planned, somewhat, for the possibilities. I am a list-maker and a planner. I am not particularly fond of big surprises, so I try to cover a myriad of possibilities. Some times this works out well, and other times it is just a crap shoot.

Fortunately, this time, it has all gone pretty well. Wednesday night we picked up the u-haul truck and Nick and his buddy loaded it all up. I apparently planned exactly the right amount of 'stuff' to completely fill not only the 10' truck, but also the trunk of the car! Thursday we drove to Anderson, Indiana (where we had lived for some 10 years) and spent a lovely evening with friends there. Other than a dense snow squall during the last hour of the drive out of Michigan everything went just fine. Friday, however, was a very long drive of about 10 hours to get to Lawrence Kansas. Saturday morning I got us breakfast at Mickey D's and we headed over to the new apartment. There was no one parked in front of my new place, so we backed the truck right up to the walk and Larry and Nick began to unload while I took pictures of the 'problem' areas inside. Nothing major, just nicks, dirt, chips and the like.

The apartment has a nice living space with a vaulted ceiling from which there is a fan and light fixture, and a fireplace at one end. The washer/dryer combo is in the closet which also houses the furnace and water heater. The kitchen is small but very workable with a fridge that is only a skosh bigger than the one I had in Istanbul. The bedroom is decent sized with a walk-in closet and the bathroom is what one can expect in an apartment. While I am here by myself this will be just fine, but it is a little crowded for three of us! My new boss, the lovely Terese, bought us lunch on move-in day, sending over three delicious pizzas! This delivery was followed by the arrival of two cable guys to get me all wired and hooked up and then one of the veteran tutors came to help unload the heavier furniture. Of course in this small space, the boys couldn't unload anything with the cable guys in the way, so we chatted and I unloaded boxes in the kitchen while we waited for them to finish up. It probably took all of 30 minutes to completely unload the truck.

Next on my priority list was to purchase as many of the necessities as possible before I went to sleep, so that meant a trip to Bed, Bath and Beyond and Target. These kinds of stores are probably a whole three miles from the apartment. (I love small towns!) After picking up some of the more important items, (silverware, glasses, a coffee pot and some food) we stopped at Applebee's for some supper and went back to pass out. Sunday was filled with more unpacking, returning the u-haul and purchases. Top on my list was bookshelves so I can unload the boxes of books. The good news.... there is a World Market which has lovely bookcases - on sale! The bad news.... we probably should have waited to return the u-haul until after I had bought them! But, with the long box hanging way out the back of the trunk, and the smaller box in the back seat and Nick laying across it we managed to get them home!

We went for a little tour of the campus, so Larry and Nick could see where I would be spending most of my time. It is as lovely as I remembered. There is a shopping center with a very large grocery store and a brew house/restaurant just down the street. We ate at the brew house and then stopped at the grocery store for TP and kleenex. Terese called while we were there - she was at the apartment with baked goods for us! She left them by the door for us - yummy muffins! By the time we got home I was exhausted, and fell asleep on the sofa at about 8:00. I moved to the bed at about 10:30 and slept like the dead until my usual wake-up time, 5:30am. So today I will finish as much of the unpacking as I can, send the boys to Home Depot for the little hardware supplies we need, hopefully get to see Terese, and go downtown to explore. For all that I hate moving, now that the hard part has passed, I am excited to learn about my new home, the community, the campus, my colleagues and students and settle in to the next chapter of my life.

Auf Wiedersehen

I woke up at 5:30 this morning, like I do most mornings. But today is different, today is a special day. Today begins the next chapter of my life, I will say auf wiedersehen to my home of 15 years and start my journey to Kansas. I am a jumble of emotion this morning as I drink my first cuppa joe. If I sit still and look around me, I have to fight away the tears. I didn't know it would be this hard... Yesterday we went and picked up a little u-haul truck. (Which, by the way, was outrageously expensive - almost $900.00 to take it just over 900 miles!)Then Nick and one of his friends loaded it up - it is very full!

There are a few odds and ends about the house I will try to cram in here and there; a lamp or two, these pictures and maybe that vase... but it is really difficult for me to choose which parts of the home I worked so long and hard to create, to destroy - not that I am actually destroying anything - it is just that when you find the perfect place for something, it is hard to take it away. Parts of the house now look incomplete to me.

On the other hand, today we will drive down to Anderson, Indiana where we lived for ten years before we moved to Michigan. I cried when we left there, and I survived the experience. When we left Indiana I left a wonderful circle of friends and a house that I loved. And while I cannot go back to that house, tonight I will, once again, spend the evening with some of those friends. It will be fun to see how the town has changed since we last visited there - about ten years ago - and great to see our friends!

And then tomorrow we will head west and arrive in Lawrence. I feel an odd sense of calm about this part. It is difficult to properly express how this move feels; exciting and yet at the same time serene - it just feels right. I know that I am going to have a pretty tough learning curve for a while... as I get to know my new colleagues, the campus, the town, and settle in to my new tiny apartment. But I have certainty that I will be more than fine there, I am needed and will flourish and grow like the sunflowers in Kansas.

I just have to get through this first part... the leaving part, and then it will all be okay. I keep reminding myself what my Dad would say, "you live in the world, but you can't control it" and repeating my usual mantra, "its not just life, it's an adventure - don't forget to pack the sense of humor". I will have a box of tissues handy in the car as I say "auf wiedersehen" to Michigan, because I am pretty sure I will need it! I will see you again...

1-1-11

New Years day once again... and that means that I have been doing a bit of reflecting on the past year, and thinking about the next one. I took a look back at my resolution post from last year and saw the irony in that decision. It appears as though my first thought last year - which was to persevere - is the one that stuck. I made it through 2010, and that was about it. With all the overwhelming sorrows of 2010 behind me I have decided it will remain at the top of my list for the worst year ever. So then I had to look toward this new year and all its new opportunities.

In the next few weeks I will be moving from Michigan to Kansas. I will be leaving behind the comfort in familiarity, my home of 15 years, my network of wonderful friends and, last but most important, my family. There is an element of sadness connected to leaving which threatens to overshadow my excitement with the changes I am facing. I poured my heart into creating the home where my children both came of age, to make it a warm and welcoming place where everyone would feel welcome and safe. So many wonderful memories - birthdays, snow days, holidays, friends, laughter, dancing, music, and tons of food! So it is bittersweet to be leaving - and I seem to come easily to tears.

On the other hand, I am so excited to have the opportunity to move to this wonderful little town and work at a job that I know I will love. I accepted and signed the job offer on the 30th, so it is all official and I will be the Assistant Director of the Writing Center at the University of Kansas beginning on January 19th, 2011. In some ways it feels like all the other things I have done in the past have been in preparation for this new career. Really, this is my third or fourth career, but the one I plan to do for the rest of my working life. I am excited and at the same time, overwhelmed. I have to find a place to live, pack up whatever I am taking with me, go to Lawrence, move in, unpack and then start.

So I have been thinking about the "one word resolution" for this year. The first thought that popped into my mind was 'change'. But change is inevitable, no matter what we think, so I tossed that word aside. I have decided upon 'create' for my word for 2011. This year I will create a new life in many ways: a new home, a new job, a new network of friends, a new community, new relationships, and new goals. I will have to find a new grocery store, new doctor and dentist, maybe a new choir, and definitely a new routine for my life. I am excited about the changes and optimistic that I can 'create' this new chapter in my life in ways that will bring back my sense of adventure and joy. Happy New Year - and Welcome 2011! I will create this year, may you flourish and prosper in 2011!