A force of nature

Now I am angry. I am really angry. Apparently it wasn't enough for God to take my Dad and leave my Mom here dying of liver cancer, but God decided to take my Aunt Carole as well. This is just not okay with me, and I am angry. I loved my Aunt Carole. She was a force of nature who was always up for a good debate. She was one of the warmest, most welcoming people you would ever meet. It seemed to me that a smile and a laugh was never far from her lips, and I could count on her to find the proverbial silver lining in any situation. She loved music and played the piano or keyboard. She swam 30 laps in the pool every day. She was the kind of person who, just sitting next to her, made you feel optimistic and like the adventure of life was worth the trouble it caused.

So I am angry that God decided to take her from us. Many years ago when my Dad's mother died, he was overseas. I believe that he was living in Kathmandu at the time, working as the United Nations, Food and Agriculture Representative. However, he had travelled to Pakistan to a conference, and upon my Grandmother's death, it was my job to track him down and deliver the news. When I finally reached him, and told him about her passing he said, "Oh. That explains the bloody nose I had last night." It seems that in the middle of the night he had awoken with a bloody nose, for no apparent reason. He told me that he figured that the bloody nose was my Grandmother stopping by to let him know she was going.

I spoke to my Aunt Carole on the phone the Sunday before my Dad passed. She was, as usual, very encouraging, and made me feel like the decision we had made to put Dad in hospice was absolutely the right thing to have done. She was stricken that night, and was unable to communicate again as she was put onto a respirator. The doctors decided it was Guillain-Barre syndrome which took my Aunt. This is a syndrome which attacks suddenly and severely for no apparent reason, and I am angry.

I don't know if anyone told her that my Dad passed away. Did she too go to be with Dad? I am heartbroken from my cousins. Scott, Pam and Marianne. But I am mostly heartbroken for my Uncle Sid, the oldest of the three Axinn children. To have his younger brother and sister taken within days of each other is completely unfair, so I am angry.

I want the sun to stop shinning brightly in Tucson, it should be raining to reflect my mood. But even more, I want to hang out with my Aunt Carole and my Dad, to revel in their wit and optimism. I want to sit at her breakfast table, once again, and have a debate as I sip my first cup of coffee in the morning. But for now I have to focus on the task at hand. I want my Mom to have peace and beauty in her remaining time. I want her to be surrounded by love and tranquility, not constant reminders of death and sadness. I want her to have her beloved baseball games on the television, whenever she is up to watching, and peaches to be in season, so she can have peach cobbler for breakfast if she so desires. And if God wants me to stop being angry, it will be so.