I hate it when I can't focus. When I suddenly forget what I was going to do and get distracted by something that I can't do anything about. It has been happening a lot lately. And I am pretty sure that it has a lot to do with the grieving process, and moving through it. A year ago last week my Dad was stricken and hospitalized, and I left Michigan to go to Arizona to help. It never occurred to me that the events would transpire as they did. I never thought I would loose my Dad first... and so suddenly.
Grief is a strange thing. I will be doing something totally normal, driving to school, or waiting in line for lunch, or washing the dishes... when suddenly, a simple thought passes through my mind - a flash of something my Dad said or did, or a look he gave me. There is a constriction in my chest, grief washes over me and tears spring, unwanted, to my eyes. My face gets hot and I can't breathe, for just an instant. Then I take a deep breath, and recognize the grief and it passes. This is followed by fear. I am afraid the grief will come, and I wont be able to stop the tears from rolling down my face - when I am in some very public place and people will stop, and stare at me in askance. I am afraid I will pull others into my grief.
It is hard to continually "out-create" these feelings. And I have to. I have to stay busy, and keep myself occupied all the time. And that is hard to do in this little apartment in Kansas. If I were home, there would be plenty of distractions and plenty to keep me busy - except I wouldn't have work that I love. So I dig in to the work with gusto, and that keeps me going during the day. During the week I come home and am tired, so it is easy to keep the grief at bay. But on the weekends... I am still in the transition stage here. I don't have a circle of friends to socialize with on the weekends... yet. I haven't 'created' my life here in the ways that will keep me happy... yet. I am still struggling with keeping myself busy on the weekends - keeping the grief at bay. I know this is all part of the "grieving process", but I hate it. And the worst part is that I know with complete certainty, that it is up to me to create myself out of this. Starting with dinner tonight. I think I'll make Salisbury steak, mashed potatoes and green beans.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Apartment living
Since I have lived in houses that I purchased for well over 20 years, there are pros and cons to living in an apartment that I had forgotten about. Here is the short list I have discovered so far:
Cons: 1. My washer is TINY. I can wash two pairs of jeans at one time, only one sheet at a time, or just my socks and underwear for the week!
2. I don't want to turn the music on at 5:30 in the morning when I get up because I am afraid I will disturb my neighbors.(Not that I would have turned it on at home at that hour either, for similar reasons.) 3. I hear all the car doors closing when my neighbors or their visitors arrive - all of them.
4. There is very little storage space for things like boxes that I want to keep.
5. I have to scrape the ice and snow off my car before I can leave every morning because I don't have a garage.
Pros: 1. I don't have to remember to take the trash cans down to the curb on the appointed day. I just put my trash in the dumpster - I don't even know when it gets emptied.
2. If the pilot light on my furnace goes out, I just call the nice young man in the office and he comes to light it for me.
3. Someone else has to shovel the walk, drive and parking lot.
4. There is very little storage space, so I really can't keep things like boxes.
5. If the furnace goes out, the well runs dry, the roof leaks, the garage door breaks, or any other major calamity occurs, I won't have to shell out the five thousand bucks to get it repaired.
6. It took me all of 45 minutes yesterday to clean the whole house. Dusting, cleaning, vacuuming, mopping - everything - all done in 45 minutes!
A few other pros about my new home:
1. It is 3 miles to work.
2. It is three miles to Target.
3. I couldn't iron anything if I wanted to because I don't have an iron.
4. I can pretty much do anything I want on my time off from work - eg. I can eat what I want when I want, watch what I want, do what I want. Yesterday, after cleaning my house and doing 6 loads of laundry I watched girlie movies, followed by Star Trek and then I had popcorn and yogurt for supper. :)
The cons... should be obvious to anyone who knows me... I miss my friends and family.
Cons: 1. My washer is TINY. I can wash two pairs of jeans at one time, only one sheet at a time, or just my socks and underwear for the week!
2. I don't want to turn the music on at 5:30 in the morning when I get up because I am afraid I will disturb my neighbors.(Not that I would have turned it on at home at that hour either, for similar reasons.) 3. I hear all the car doors closing when my neighbors or their visitors arrive - all of them.
4. There is very little storage space for things like boxes that I want to keep.
5. I have to scrape the ice and snow off my car before I can leave every morning because I don't have a garage.
Pros: 1. I don't have to remember to take the trash cans down to the curb on the appointed day. I just put my trash in the dumpster - I don't even know when it gets emptied.
2. If the pilot light on my furnace goes out, I just call the nice young man in the office and he comes to light it for me.
3. Someone else has to shovel the walk, drive and parking lot.
4. There is very little storage space, so I really can't keep things like boxes.
5. If the furnace goes out, the well runs dry, the roof leaks, the garage door breaks, or any other major calamity occurs, I won't have to shell out the five thousand bucks to get it repaired.
6. It took me all of 45 minutes yesterday to clean the whole house. Dusting, cleaning, vacuuming, mopping - everything - all done in 45 minutes!
A few other pros about my new home:
1. It is 3 miles to work.
2. It is three miles to Target.
3. I couldn't iron anything if I wanted to because I don't have an iron.
4. I can pretty much do anything I want on my time off from work - eg. I can eat what I want when I want, watch what I want, do what I want. Yesterday, after cleaning my house and doing 6 loads of laundry I watched girlie movies, followed by Star Trek and then I had popcorn and yogurt for supper. :)
The cons... should be obvious to anyone who knows me... I miss my friends and family.
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